newly posted FSO had spent six months at post and curiously asked one
his colleagues whether a telegram he saw before he left Abuja requesting
the Mission to "arrange reception and accomodation" was not
received in the Mission. The colleague confirmed receipt, and the FSO
queried that while he had been provided with accomodation, he was yet
to enjoy any reception ceremony in his honour. The colleague told him
that the fact that he was met on arrival at the airport, the said reception
in the circular had been achieved.
A politician representing one of the hinterland
constituencies in Nigeria travelled to Cairo with a delegation and wanted
to place order for chicken in a restaurant. He asked the waiter confidently:
'Do you have fowl meat?' The waiter didnt seem to understand. Wondering,
he added pointedly, I mean 'meat of cock'; the waiter still could not
make any sense out of it. The politician just queried angrily; 'Dont you
know cooko roo koo?'. Then the waiter understood he meant chicken.
barking dog threatened to bite an Indian man, who became scared and tried
to run away. The second Indian man reminded him of an English proverb,
which says that ‘a barking dog does not bite’. The first man told his
colleague in his Indian accent as he moved away, saying; You know the
proverb, I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb?
the early eighties, a questionaire was circulated to all Brazilian Diplomats
to indicate their countries of preference in their next postings .Ninety-seven
percent indicated LAGOS, NIGERIA. So,when their responses were collated
and forwarded to the Foreign Minister, he exclaimed,'' Then we should
move our Foreign Ministry to Lagos".
poster on the Kremlin notice board reads: "Diplomacy is the art of
telling someone to go to Hell in such a way that he looks forward to the
a bright morning, near Ikeja Police College, a team of new police recruits
was undertaking a jogging exercise. An insane Nigerian was also running
along with them. A passer-by observed this and asked the insane man whether
he wanted to join the police.
The insane man replied: " I dey craze to join Police? "
pastor was preaching in one of the new churches and gesticulating with
his hands and body, warning the congregation not to believe in any other
god but our Lord Jesus Christ. He kept on gesticulating so much that his
right hand (which was raised up high) was touched by the ceiling fan.
The poor fellow was naturally afraid and shouted 'Shoponna o'. (Shoponna
is a Yoruba god).
Englishman and a Frenchman were staying in the same hotel. Each time the
Frenchman came to the restaurant, he will greet the Englishman with "Bon
apetit". Thinking the Frenchman was introducing himself, the Englishman
always replied by mentioning his name as Daniel Jones. Having continued
for five times, the Englishman was surprised by the Frenchman's frequent
introduction of himself and wondered whether he was not in sane. He reported
the matter to the hotel authorities only to be told that the Frenchman
was simply wishing him good apetite.
in 1980, our late sage, Chief Obafemi Awolowo wrote a letter to President
Shehu Shagari about the sinking ship of the state, and paused to ask,
whether the President had ever asked himself this Latin question - Qui
Bono? (for whose benefit), Alhaji Shehu Shagari reduced such a serious
question to mere polemics by replying that he had never asked himself
questions in Latin, but only in English and Hausa. Another governor was
asked what Minerals abound in his State. The response was Cocacola, Fanta
Saudi Arabia, Iqamat can mean a call to muslim prayer or residence permit
for immigrants. This long-bearded and pious-looking Pakistani was staying
illegally in Jeddah. One day he was called upon to lead some pilgrims,
most of whom were Saudis in prayer. The practice is that the call to prayer
must preceed the actual prayer itself. But, through a probable inadvertence,
he started the prayer without allwoing the call to prayer. One of the
followers shouted behind him: Iqamat! Iqamat!! Iqamat!!!. Thinking that
the immigration authorities had come to arrest him, he abandoned leading
the prayer and fled.
Chapter 7, Verse 7
boy was 'toasting' a certain girl in Lagos. Each time the boy made his
advances, the girl will tell him: Mathew Chapter 7, Verse 7. After so
many attempts spannning about three months with similar responses from
the girl, he concluded that the girl was too much of a born again christian
and gave up. One month after, he decided to consult the Holy Bible to
ascertain what was in Mathew Chapter 7, Verse 7. He realised that the
verse simply says: "knock and the door shall open". He, thereafter searched
desperately for the girl but to no avail.
Saudi Minister of Foreign Affairs invited the American and British Ambassadors
for a private dinner in a tent. After the dinner sitting on tables they
moved to the carpet for coffee and "cigar" break. Al-Faisal sat down and
crossed his legs close to his body, the British Ambassador was able to
bend his knees to about 90% while the American sat straight legged. Al-Faisal
noted this and said that the position of their crossed legs also reflected
their countries flexibility in international affairs. When in 1980, our
late sage, Chief Obafemi Awolowo wrote a letter to President Shehu Shagari
about the sinking ship of the state, and paused to ask, whether the President
had ever asked himself this Latin question - Qui Bono? (for whose benefit),
Alhaji Shehu Shagari reduced such a serious question to mere polemics
by replying that he had never asked himself questions in Latin, but only
in English and Hausa. Another governor was asked what Minerals abound
in his State. The response was Cocacola, Fanta etc.
I just came back from a dinner organised for the Ambassador by INWENT,
a German Organisation that is reknown for Capacity Building. At the dinner,
a retired business man who chaired the occasion told us the story that
he recently was in Dubai and when the plane had stablised the co-pilot
intorduced himself as Mr. Atta - he stated that many people gasped for
fresh air thinking that the brother of Muhammed Atta of 911 infamy was
piloting the plane on the way to crush it. After landing, the first thing
he was in the Airport were people wearing tee-shirt with the logo Saudi
Bin Ladin. He asked his wife to assure him that he was not brought to
Dubai by First Officer Mr. Atta to meet the Alqaida chieftain himself.
man kept his SWOT policy for a long time with the wife of his neighbour
while at the same time maltreating the son of his lover. The son kept
telling him that he will tell his father a Police Man. One day the Police
man came back unannounced and the man jumped under the bed. Once in a
while, the small boy will bend down and look under the bed and say "see
your eye". At last the father discovered the man and a stray bullet hit
him right in the head.
wife of the soul music legend James Brown was once stopped by police for
overspdeeding and dangerous driving. While pleading with the police, she
decided to claim diplomatic immunity from prosecution. When the police
asked her on what grounds, she explained that she is the wife of the Ambassador
of Soul Music. Therefore we now have Her Excellency the wife of the Ambassador
of Soul music.
Preacher was in church one evening, giving a talk on family life, and
mid-way through the talk, he asked all the men in the congregation who
control their wives at home to stand on the right side of the pulpit and
those who are controlled by their wives to stand on the left side. All
the men in the congregation stood on the left hand side of the pulpit
except for one very strong eyed fellow who stood on the right side. The
Preacher of course was curious and asked him for the formula, so all the
other men could start controlling their wives at home henceforth! The
guy dutifully answered that he had been directed to stand at that spot
by no less a person than his wife, the Madam.
Well Well Well
is a hausa word for ' the well', from which we fetch water. A Hausa interpreter
was invited to interprete for a British colonial District Officer, while
addressing a hausa-speaking community. The DO started his speech with
the preposition: Well, Well, Well. Realising that the only word he knows
as 'well' in English is the one describing where we fetch water from,
he simply interpreted the DO preposition as Rijiya, Rijiya, Rijiya.
Three men at the gate of heaven
men found themselves at the gate of heaven at the same time. When asked
how they got there? These were their responses: First man - I did not
know how I got here but I was trying to take a car, which was not my own,
when something fell on me from above. Second man - I was a sales man who
rushed home while on a round to meet my beautiful wife. As I was entering
the flat, the car alarm went off, I looked through the window and saw
a man trying to steal the company car. The last thing I knew was that
I picked a big cupboard and threw it at the thief. Third man - Me, I knew
nothing, I was inside a cupboard.
Marital Economic Empowerment Development Strategy
one of our village meetings, we were all levied a fixed sum of money to
help a brother suffering from LEEDS, (Lack of Economic Empowerment and
Development Strategy) - thanks to Venerable Bashua and Sonala Olumese-
to marry a wife, in view of his advancing years. A year later at another
meeting, this gentleman stood up in the midst of all, cleared his throat
loudly to attract maximum attention and went ahead to thank the village
for rescuing him from a life-term of bachelorhood and quickly added that
there remains a very little problem. He explained that the meeting might
be wondering why he has not put his wife in a famiy way since the marriage
was consumated. He then proceeded to say that it was due to the abscence
of a mattresse to sleep with his wife, and requested that we raise more
funds towards buying this item for him to enable him procreate. It was
at this stage that it dawned on all present that we have a very serious
case of MEEDS in the family (Marital Economic Empowerment Development
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?"
The Mother answered, "God
made Adam and Eve; they had
children and, so all mankind was made."
A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father
answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."
The confused girl returns to her mother and says, "Mom, how is it possible that
you told me that the human race was created by God , and Papa says we developed
The Mother answers, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin
of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."
Adam and Eve
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of
their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became
upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being
unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel
continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in
the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve
A teenage boy had just passed
his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could
discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades
up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair
cut. Then we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle
for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades
up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but
I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."
The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been
thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had
long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even
strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."
(You're going to love the Dad's reply!)..........
"Did you also notice they all walked
everywhere they went?"
Never Argue with a Woman
To all my thinking women friends!
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to
take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the
boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says,
'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book,' she replies,
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think
Say Thank You Sir to
After collecting her money from an
ATM machine, a Nigerian lady in Ibadan went down on her
knees and thanked the machine in our traditional way of
expressing appreciation for kindness shown, saying "eseun
Wonderful English from Around the World
Bangkok Buddhist temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF
DRESSED AS A MAN.
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctor’s office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE
On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT
THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING
BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS
RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT
A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING
SITE THAT PEOPLE OF
DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE
TOGETHER IN ONE TENT
UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE
OPPOSITE SEX IN
THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON
HAVING A GOOD TIME
Ajoke Isiaka from my old state, West Central, with
kapital Ilorin, the most southerly Provincial Emirate,
was at the Doctor's Clinic in famous Harley Street,
London on consultation. After an unduly long wait, my
approached the female Receptionist to inquire about the
situation. This conversation ensued:
name please, Madam?"
responded the patient.
"But I have
been calling A Joke Is aka, twittered the Receptionist!
English if not bombastic.
statutory officer of our continental OAU, precursor of
AU, arrived at a Nairobi Hotel. This conversation
reportedly took place:
tafadali una penda nani? (Please what's your name Sir?)
"No, Your name
emphasized the gentleman in Queen's English.
"Mzee, but we
have not done anything for you yet", said the
Receptionist who then asked for the visitor's passport.
brother tendered the passport. The Receptionist
in kiswahili means "Thank You"
Asante sana (Thank
you very much).
IT PAYS TO BE A NIGERIAN
Man died and went to hell, there he finds
that there are different hells for each country, he
decides to go round and choose the least painful to
spend his eternity. He goes to the German Hell and ask,
"what do they do here" He was told " first they put you
in an Electric Chair for an Hour, then lay you on a Bed
of Nails for another Hour, then the German Devil comes
in and Whips you for the rest of the day. The Man does
not like the sound of that at all so he moves on. He
checks out the USA, UK, RUSSIAN Hells as well as many
more. He discovers that they are all similar to the
German Hell. Then he comes to the Nigerian Hell and
finds that there is a Long Queue of people waiting to
get in... Amazed, he asked? "What do they do here?" He
was told "First they put you in an Electric Chair for an
hour, and then they lay you on a bed of nails for
another hour then Nigerian Devil comes in and Whips you
for the Rest of the Day." But that is exactly the same
as all the other hells, why are there so many people
waiting to get in?" asked the man... A concerned fellow
calls him aside and said, "Because there is never any
STABLE ELECTRICITY so the Electric Chair doesn't work.
The nails were paid for but were never SUPPLIED by the
Contractor, so the Bed is Comfortable to sleep on... And
the Nigerian Devil used to be a CIVIL SERVANT, so he
comes in, signs his time sheet and leaves for Personal
Business!!! .............IT PAYS TO BE A NIGERIAN.......Naija
una carry una wayo reach hell.....ℓ☺ℓº°˚˚°º
HAPPY COW WEEKEND
The Harvard School of Economics was conducting an
economic development workshop among its egg-head
students from all over the world. It posed a practical
question: "HOW WOULD YOU MANAGE TWO COWS TO BRING
PROSPERITY TO YOUR COUNTRY?" The students took turns to
provide their answers as follow-
@ American student - I advise my government to shoot one
cow, milk the other, pay the citizens for the milk, pour
the milk down the drains and then go abroad to force
citizens of other countries to refund all the costs of
@ Indian student - I worship them both. They are gods.
Oh, my gods!
@ Brazilian student - I enter into partnership with an
American corporation. Soon the two cows become 1000 cows
and the American corporation declares bankruptcy, moves
out and I proceed. Who cares?
@ Chinese student - I set 100million people to milk the
two cows. Then, I achieve high bovine yields, send their
hooves for spicy soups and get journalists who report on
@ Nigerian student - Pomo and round-abouts! What do
mean, shoes and bags?
@ Israeli student - Open milk factories, ice cream
factories, send all their calves to Harvard to become
doctors. Who needs humans any way?
@ British student - First thing, make the cows mad, then
send their beef to Argentina, why should they ask for a
tiny, small island?
@ German student - Reengineer them so they can live for
500 years, eat once a month and milk themselves. Then
you just cling beer glasses around town.
@ Greek student - Eat both of them up quickly before
dawn, and before the rest of Europe wake up. They will
bring in a hurry a thousand more cows at my door steps
and hand them over to me kneeling down.
@ Italian student - I would not know where two cows are.
I must break for lunch.
@ Russian student - I count the two cows and they are 12
cows. I count again, they 21. I count again, they are
42. Again, I count, they are 2 cows again. Then I refill
my vodka glass.
At that point a professor cut in: "Cow on boys!"
TOILET TO LET
A middle aged
Chinese arrived for the first time in New York to inherit a beautiful palatial
house bequeathed him by his Chinese-American grand-father. Offering the house
for rent for quick money, he left the following advert signpost, which he had
brought from Beijing, on the front door of the house: "THIS HOUSE IS TO I LET,
TENANTS MUST BRING THEIR FURNITURE".
The following morning, it took a fully geared New York Police combat squad to
disperse a surging crowd that gathered in front of the house, each armed with a
"Officer! Officer! Please ask them to come back with their dollar bills, not
their shit!" The highly embarrassed Chinese yelled at a police commandant, "is
this how Americans behave
WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
A professor was travelling by boat.
On the way he asked a fellow passenger in the boat:
Do you know biology? No, the miserable fellow replied.
Ecology? No, sir. Zoology? No. Meteorology? Hydrology? Geology? No, no, no sir!
Exasperated, the Professor blared: These illiterates! What on earth do you know?
One hour later the boat started sinking. The Professor was gripped with panic.
The illiterate, looking calm and unperturbed, turned to the professor and asked:
Do you know swiminology? Do you know escapeology from sharkology? N'n'n'
..o-o-o-o, the Professor replied, shivering.
"Too bad, sir!" the unlettered passenger told the Professor. "The way things
stand now, crocodileogy will eat your headology and you will dielogy with your
knowledgeology because of your mouthology
(It just that Everyone is important in their own Right, There is dignity in
labour.) No Man is an Island.
So, Honourable Professor what do you know?
BULLET PROOF CAR
Patrick O Obi