The Nigerian Foreign Service Club:Jokes

A newly posted FSO had spent six months at post and curiously asked one his colleagues whether a telegram he saw before he left Abuja requesting the Mission to "arrange reception and accomodation" was not received in the Mission. The colleague confirmed receipt, and the FSO queried that while he had been provided with accomodation, he was yet to enjoy any reception ceremony in his honour. The colleague told him that the fact that he was met on arrival at the airport, the said reception in the circular had been achieved.

A politician representing one of the hinterland constituencies in Nigeria travelled to Cairo with a delegation and wanted to place order for chicken in a restaurant. He asked the waiter confidently: 'Do you have fowl meat?' The waiter didnt seem to understand. Wondering, he added pointedly, I mean 'meat of cock'; the waiter still could not make any sense out of it. The politician just queried angrily; 'Dont you know cooko roo koo?'. Then the waiter understood he meant chicken.

A barking dog threatened to bite an Indian man, who became scared and tried to run away. The second Indian man reminded him of an English proverb, which says that ‘a barking dog does not bite’. The first man told his colleague in his Indian accent as he moved away, saying; You know the proverb, I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb?

In the early eighties, a questionaire was circulated to all Brazilian Diplomats to indicate their countries of preference in their next postings .Ninety-seven percent indicated LAGOS, NIGERIA. So,when their responses were collated and forwarded to the Foreign Minister, he exclaimed,'' Then we should move our Foreign Ministry to Lagos".

A poster on the Kremlin notice board reads: "Diplomacy is the art of telling someone to go to Hell in such a way that he looks forward to the journey!"

On a bright morning, near Ikeja Police College, a team of new police recruits was undertaking a jogging exercise. An insane Nigerian was also running along with them. A passer-by observed this and asked the insane man whether he wanted to join the police.
The insane man replied: " I dey craze to join Police? "

A pastor was preaching in one of the new churches and gesticulating with his hands and body, warning the congregation not to believe in any other god but our Lord Jesus Christ. He kept on gesticulating so much that his right hand (which was raised up high) was touched by the ceiling fan. The poor fellow was naturally afraid and shouted 'Shoponna o'. (Shoponna is a Yoruba god).

An Englishman and a Frenchman were staying in the same hotel. Each time the Frenchman came to the restaurant, he will greet the Englishman with "Bon apetit". Thinking the Frenchman was introducing himself, the Englishman always replied by mentioning his name as Daniel Jones. Having continued for five times, the Englishman was surprised by the Frenchman's frequent introduction of himself and wondered whether he was not in sane. He reported the matter to the hotel authorities only to be told that the Frenchman was simply wishing him good apetite.

When in 1980, our late sage, Chief Obafemi Awolowo wrote a letter to President Shehu Shagari about the sinking ship of the state, and paused to ask, whether the President had ever asked himself this Latin question - Qui Bono? (for whose benefit), Alhaji Shehu Shagari reduced such a serious question to mere polemics by replying that he had never asked himself questions in Latin, but only in English and Hausa. Another governor was asked what Minerals abound in his State. The response was Cocacola, Fanta etc

In Saudi Arabia, Iqamat can mean a call to muslim prayer or residence permit for immigrants. This long-bearded and pious-looking Pakistani was staying illegally in Jeddah. One day he was called upon to lead some pilgrims, most of whom were Saudis in prayer. The practice is that the call to prayer must preceed the actual prayer itself. But, through a probable inadvertence, he started the prayer without allwoing the call to prayer. One of the followers shouted behind him: Iqamat! Iqamat!! Iqamat!!!. Thinking that the immigration authorities had come to arrest him, he abandoned leading the prayer and fled.

A boy was 'toasting' a certain girl in Lagos. Each time the boy made his advances, the girl will tell him: Mathew Chapter 7, Verse 7. After so many attempts spannning about three months with similar responses from the girl, he concluded that the girl was too much of a born again christian and gave up. One month after, he decided to consult the Holy Bible to ascertain what was in Mathew Chapter 7, Verse 7. He realised that the verse simply says: "knock and the door shall open". He, thereafter searched desperately for the girl but to no avail.

The Saudi Minister of Foreign Affairs invited the American and British Ambassadors for a private dinner in a tent. After the dinner sitting on tables they moved to the carpet for coffee and "cigar" break. Al-Faisal sat down and crossed his legs close to his body, the British Ambassador was able to bend his knees to about 90% while the American sat straight legged. Al-Faisal noted this and said that the position of their crossed legs also reflected their countries flexibility in international affairs. When in 1980, our late sage, Chief Obafemi Awolowo wrote a letter to President Shehu Shagari about the sinking ship of the state, and paused to ask, whether the President had ever asked himself this Latin question - Qui Bono? (for whose benefit), Alhaji Shehu Shagari reduced such a serious question to mere polemics by replying that he had never asked himself questions in Latin, but only in English and Hausa. Another governor was asked what Minerals abound in his State. The response was Cocacola, Fanta etc.

I just came back from a dinner organised for the Ambassador by INWENT, a German Organisation that is reknown for Capacity Building. At the dinner, a retired business man who chaired the occasion told us the story that he recently was in Dubai and when the plane had stablised the co-pilot intorduced himself as Mr. Atta - he stated that many people gasped for fresh air thinking that the brother of Muhammed Atta of 911 infamy was piloting the plane on the way to crush it. After landing, the first thing he was in the Airport were people wearing tee-shirt with the logo Saudi Bin Ladin. He asked his wife to assure him that he was not brought to Dubai by First Officer Mr. Atta to meet the Alqaida chieftain himself.

A man kept his SWOT policy for a long time with the wife of his neighbour while at the same time maltreating the son of his lover. The son kept telling him that he will tell his father a Police Man. One day the Police man came back unannounced and the man jumped under the bed. Once in a while, the small boy will bend down and look under the bed and say "see your eye". At last the father discovered the man and a stray bullet hit him right in the head.

The wife of the soul music legend James Brown was once stopped by police for overspdeeding and dangerous driving. While pleading with the police, she decided to claim diplomatic immunity from prosecution. When the police asked her on what grounds, she explained that she is the wife of the Ambassador of Soul Music. Therefore we now have Her Excellency the wife of the Ambassador of Soul music.

A Preacher was in church one evening, giving a talk on family life, and mid-way through the talk, he asked all the men in the congregation who control their wives at home to stand on the right side of the pulpit and those who are controlled by their wives to stand on the left side. All the men in the congregation stood on the left hand side of the pulpit except for one very strong eyed fellow who stood on the right side. The Preacher of course was curious and asked him for the formula, so all the other men could start controlling their wives at home henceforth! The guy dutifully answered that he had been directed to stand at that spot by no less a person than his wife, the Madam.

Rijiya is a hausa word for ' the well', from which we fetch water. A Hausa interpreter was invited to interprete for a British colonial District Officer, while addressing a hausa-speaking community. The DO started his speech with the preposition: Well, Well, Well. Realising that the only word he knows as 'well' in English is the one describing where we fetch water from, he simply interpreted the DO preposition as Rijiya, Rijiya, Rijiya.

Three men found themselves at the gate of heaven at the same time. When asked how they got there? These were their responses: First man - I did not know how I got here but I was trying to take a car, which was not my own, when something fell on me from above. Second man - I was a sales man who rushed home while on a round to meet my beautiful wife. As I was entering the flat, the car alarm went off, I looked through the window and saw a man trying to steal the company car. The last thing I knew was that I picked a big cupboard and threw it at the thief. Third man - Me, I knew nothing, I was inside a cupboard.

During one of our village meetings, we were all levied a fixed sum of money to help a brother suffering from LEEDS, (Lack of Economic Empowerment and Development Strategy) - thanks to Venerable Bashua and Sonala Olumese- to marry a wife, in view of his advancing years. A year later at another meeting, this gentleman stood up in the midst of all, cleared his throat loudly to attract maximum attention and went ahead to thank the village for rescuing him from a life-term of bachelorhood and quickly added that there remains a very little problem. He explained that the meeting might be wondering why he has not put his wife in a famiy way since the marriage was consumated. He then proceeded to say that it was due to the abscence of a mattresse to sleep with his wife, and requested that we raise more funds towards buying this item for him to enable him procreate. It was at this stage that it dawned on all present that we have a very serious case of MEEDS in the family (Marital Economic Empowerment Development Strategy).

Human Race

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?"

The Mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve; they had children and, so all mankind was made."

A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."

The confused girl returns to her mother and says, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God , and Papa says we developed from monkeys?"

The Mother answers, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. ‎"You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

(You're going to love the Dad's reply!)..........

To all my thinking women friends!

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book,' she replies,
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at
any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think

After collecting her money from an ATM machine, a Nigerian lady in Ibadan went down on her knees and thanked the machine in our traditional way of expressing appreciation for kindness shown, saying "eseun adupe sir".